


I Am Nobody's Son

by Rainy182



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Autophobia, Bellamy is concerned, F/M, Flashbacks, Gen, I dont know how to tag, I most likely won't be writing it cause I just couldn't stomach it, Like in most chapters probably, Maybe a little occ, Mental Illness, On The Ark, Post Season 4, Sad with a Happy Ending, Suicide (mentioned), The rape warning is just cause it will be mentioned
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-29
Updated: 2018-11-06
Packaged: 2019-03-11 03:50:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 7
Words: 4,906
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13515990
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rainy182/pseuds/Rainy182
Summary: "Let bygones be bygones"1. forget past offenses or causes of conflict and be reconciled.John Murphy forgives everyone but himself. So no- he can't "let bygones be bygones".





	1. The Trial of John Murphy

**Author's Note:**

> I'm actually going to try a chapter story. And of course I choose to do it in the fandom that has like really deep and fantastic works. But this was basically written because there is a lack of John/Emori focused fiction (or just John focused fiction) in this fandom right now. But since I can't right fluff right now, lets instead look into my headcanon of how I think John deals with his trauma. It might be good??

A common myth is that John started the fire that took a days worth of oxygen, for a childish revenge for his father's death, which isn’t true. The truth is John didn’t start the fire- his drunken Mother did- he just let it burn. He watched as the flames grew and grew, and for a moment there was peace in his mind- something that won’t happen ever again.

But he did run, John can admit to that, when he heard the guards coming he ran home. Swinging the door open and slamming it shut behind him. His dead Mother laying in her own vomit to greet him. And just like that his mind was no longer at peace. Not that it would’ve been if she was alive, because no sooner did he realize that his Mother was dead- the door opened to five guards. Accusations at their lips, cuffs and electric batons ready.

 

That was the first time John Murphy was found guilty in an unfair trial of a crime he didn’t commit.

 

Yet somehow, his nightmares don’t hold fire, or floating in space-frozen in time forever. No, they shine with a child's brown eyes. The whispers of bygones and the tight grasp of rope and metal around his neck.

 

Because the second time John Murphy was found guilty in a trial of a crime he did not commit. Well, he made sure he deserved the sentencing.

 

Pain.

Hate.

Envy.

 

These are the things that make John Murphy. And ironically enough, they are also the things that break him.


	2. The First Day

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> New chapter! And the very next day too? Not going to lie, this is not the norm, so I hope you enjoy it haha! Anyways quick bit of info: I probably wont ever post super long chapters, like the highest I'll go will probably be 1,000 words. So expect each chapter to range from 500-1500 words (gotta give wiggle room).

Gratefulness can only last so long before the trauma of what happened sets back in. Or at least that’s the way it seems for John Murphy. Now that the air has been flowing throughout the ring for twelve hours and he no longer is feeling intense fear on whether or not he and Emori will survive, he is now free to look around the ring and realise that he has to spend the next five years on a ring of trauma. Something that obviously isn’t has horrible as dying from radiation, but still makes his head pound and throat tighten.

 

Because at least on earth he could run from his troubles, con them away, have the fear of survival keep them at bay.

 

But now he’s on the Ark and the grey and harsh metal has a way of reminding you of the past and the truth. The truth being that out of all the rooms Emori had to pick, she choose the one where his father was ripped from his bed in the middle of the night to be floated. The room where his Mother screamed in drunken rage that he should’ve gotten floated instead of his honorable father. The room where his mother had her final drink before choking on her own vomit. The room where he was cuffed and taken to a cell.

 

The first chapter in his “sob story”.

 

But of course Emori doesn’t know that, so he smiles, and makes sure to cover the name Murphy that’s just above the door. Because although he’ll sleep in the room of his past, he’s not quite ready to retell his story. Especially since the last time he did, he was met with cruel dismissal, the last thing he needs his someone he loves telling him that he’s being dramatic. And that he’s making a big deal out of a small issue compared to others problems.

 

He could hear it now actually. “John,” she would say in a cold tone, “I was left for dead as a child, at least your parents kept you.”

 

So he’ll keep the past where it should stay- locked away in his mind. Only to come out when the night is dark, and his eyes are closed. But right now he needs to look for blankets, the Ark was freezing last night, and although John loves being pressed up against his girlfriend, he’d rather it just be because he wants to, not because they don’t want hypothermia.

 

“Em,” Emori hums in acknowledgement as she looks throughout the drawers along the wall, “I’m going to see if I can find some blankets in the other rooms.”

 

Emori lifts her head, her gaze holding his, taking in his stiff stance, before looking towards to patch of wall above the door. As if she could see through the wall to the other side, looking at the name “Murphy” typed in big block letters, a stark black against the silver. But instead she looks back down, before letting her eyes look around the room with a new light of understanding. It’s that moment when John remembers that the first rule of scavenging is to take in every detail of your environment.

 

Meaning Emori saw his family's name before he could cover it.

 

“John…” Emori tries to start, slowly getting up. But before she can finish John turns away and makes his way down the empty hall. The sounds of his steps fading as he walks further from the room.

The doorway.

The past.

* * *

 

Then 

 

_Another cough rakes through John’s chest as he feels his lungs scream. The sweat from his fever covering his forehead as he tries to sleep. But his harsh slumber is ripped from him again when he hears the hushed voices of his parents from the cracked doorway of his room._

 

_“Elizabeth no one will know! I’ll be in and out,” his father's voice filling the silence of the room before a choked sob follows._

 

_“You’ll get floated John! You can’t,” the tears making his mother’s voice thicken._

 

 _“If I don’t try, JJ-_ **_our son_ ** _\- will die. Lizzy I know you don’t want that.”_

 

_“He might get on the list for flu antibiotics John, there’s enough spots, and I-” John’s father’s  voice cuts off her off, his anger bleeding through._

_“You know he won’t make the list! The councils and their children will get it first then they’ll do a random selection!” John Sr. takes a deep breath trying to calm himself, “No I won’t risk it. I work in the med sector anyways, I can grab it and leave without getting caught. I’m doing it, that’s final.”_

 

_John faked sleep when his mother came in shortly after. He didn’t even open his eyes when he felt her tears land on his cheek._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So how was it? Did you like that flashback?? How about that Raven reference huh? Leave a comment on what you think!


	3. The Devil Works In Idle Time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is actually more than 500 words?? What?? Wow okay, cool. I hope you enjoy!

The cafeteria- which always seemed small before- was huge with only the seven of them to fill it.  The echoes of their footsteps filling the silence around them as they make way to the round table located in the center of the room. John can’t help but wonder if the realization of what they all just signed up for has just sunk in for them.

 

The unequivocal fact that they are alone.

 

Yes, in hindsight it doesn’t seem that hard- stay in space for five years then go back- how hard can it be? But without the emanate horror of death it’s easy to realize that not much really binds them together. Without the need topics of war and fear of immediate death what is left?  

 

“So we need to survive up here for five years.” 

 

Oh right, John can’t help but scoff, survival is always left. 

 

Bellamy turns his head at John’s scoff, his face pulling into a frown, mirroring the slight tilt downwards Raven’s lips have. 

 

“Problem Murphy?” he asks in a way that clearly says there better not be, but because he’s Murphy- he finds one. Even if it holds a little truth to him. 

 

“Yeah. Who says it will only be five years?” John watches as Echo goes slightly pale and Harper glares. But neither of those reactions bothers him- what does- is Emori tensing slightly next to him before relaxing. He can’t help but feel shitty now, having forgotten that his comments can affect the one person he cares about. 

 

But because he spoke- he now has to stick with it- even if it’s a bitter end.

 

“Praimfaya will only last five years and I’ll be working on the Rocket in the meantime.” Raven’s voice rings out before Bellamy can respond. Silencing everyone else's doubts- even John’s if he cared to admit. But then she added the famous last words. 

 

“That’s the plan,” she turns her body away from him signaling the end of the discussion- with him. 

 

If John didn’t notice how everyone relaxed completely with Raven’s words, he’s point out how  _ none  _ of their plans work. None. How they always have to be amended. If he wanted to be a total asshole John would speak to how the last plan that involved Raven’s skillset probably killed Clarke. But he did notice and he didn’t feel like starting five years off with asshole remark and a punch from Bellamy would be good. 

 

So he kept quiet and just watched.

 

Monty looked around for a moment, as if waiting for anymore possible blowouts, before speaking up on what brought the group to the cafeteria in the first place. 

 

“So food,” Monty pulls out a paper from his pocket, “from what I saw and my calculations I should have the algae farm up and running in about a week. Two tops.” 

 

He then flips the paper over to reveal handwritten charts and tables- all scribbles in messy scrawl- probably Harpers doing, before taking a deep breath and releasing it with a huff. 

 

Monty slightly mumbles before pointing to a certain graph, “Which brings me to the bad news.”

 

_ Color me surprised _ John can’t help but think.

 

“We only have one weeks supply worth of MRE’s,” accepting silence before, “And that’s only if we eat twice a day.”  The entire group make some kind of noise; whether it’s acceptance, disbelief, or dread. 

 

Emori speaks up, her voice strong if somewhat uncertain-  _ she’s worried.  _ “So what happens?” 

 

The unspoken  _ to me _ is what makes John take her hand and squeeze in reassurance. 

 

“We ration,” Bellamy’s voice final as he looks out the nearby window, before turning to Monty in question, “We all would’ve normally would’ve gotten two MRE’s a day? Meaning there's only what fourteen?” 

 

Monty nods his head, his lips already mumbling the math before raising his volume to hearing level, “But all rations would be too small. Or we’d have to skip to many days.” 

 

“What if we took our two - MRE’s? - whatever, what if we took them now. And just divided up for how we saw fit?” Echo’s voice was slightly hesitant, her knowing she is obviously out of her element. But John saw sound logic behind it and apparently so did Emori at her quick nods in agreement. 

 

Raven looks around before giving a slow nod, reaching into the duffle bag to pass around the food packets. “Okay,” her eyes falling to John, “Don’t fuck up on rationing. There’s nothing else.” 

 

John can’t help but smirk at her unnecessary warning towards him. Because unlike her- while she has only two MRE’s- him and Emori have four. 

Perks of being family.

* * *

 

Then

_ The cafeteria line had a yellow light above it instead of green. Meaning it's time to ration- again. Which is pretty common sadly on the Ark; sometimes food goes bad, or a disease is spread among the animals- causing the meat to go to waste, and sometimes it’s just rationing season. However the yellow light means either some animals caught a disease- like last months symonellia case- or some food went bad. Here’s to hoping it’s just a case of spoiled milk and the light will be green tomorrow and not another month long experience of hunger pains.  _

 

_ It lasted a year.  _

 

_ “How did they forget to put pesticide on the crops?? Who forgets that important detail?” John can here his Mom’s voice from the living room, as she continues her rant again, his dad humming at the right parts.  _

 

_ “Well it could be worse, love. I mean at least it was just bread, imagine if it the chickens or milk? Then we couldn’t have this final chicken dish you prepared for me and Jr.”  John’s father soothes causing his Mom to stop mid sentence and laugh.  _

 

_ “Always the charmer Jonathan. One of these days it won’t work!” Her smile heard from her voice alone, “Come one John! The food won’t eat itself.”  _

 

_ John’s five year old body comes running into the kitchen, his speed causing him to run into his Father’s legs. With an humph he lands on the floor with a pout causing his Dad to laugh before lifting him up and placinging him in the chair.  _

 

_ John looks at all of the food in amazement, wondering how- with the rations- they got it. Looking up he looks to his Mom with a question.  _

 

_ “It’s a lot?”  _

 

_ Her laugh rings like silver bells as she shakes her head causing her hair to loosen from it chestnut colored ponytail.  _

 

_ “It’s all our food put together baby. That way we can spread it out longer and it makes it not as little.” She sits down next to his father who sat while she was talking. _

 

_ John looks slightly confused, “Why?”  _

 

_ Both his parents laugh before John’s dad takes over the conversation, “Because we’re family squirt, It’s what you do for people you love. But you are right, it is a little more than normal. But that’s because we are celebrating!”  _

 

_ John becomes even more curious as excitement takes over him, “Oh what?!?!”  _

 

_ He watches as his father’s smile widens as he takes Elizabeth's hand.  _

 

_ “I got the job at the pharmacy distribution sector.”  _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay I know in the show Murphy's father's name is Alex, but I wanted it to be Johnathan in this story as well. That way it can add a sadder element later on, muahaha!  
> Do you like the flashbacks?? Are they adding some nice background info? Tell me what you think (comments do help me write) and leave some kudos!


	4. Nowhere To Go But Sleep

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John runs ft. some Memori

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not super long- only like 650 words- so it mostly just a filler chapter. Still I hope you like it just the same!

Running is something John is good at. He can run for miles before he gets tired, and even then, if the situation called for it he can run father. But here on the Ark you can only run so far before you’re back to where you started. Something that John is sure can be considered symbolic, but right now he can’t be bothered with symbolism and psychology. 

Now he is just going to run- and keep running- until he’s too tired to dream. Even if he has to pass the clear window that shows Earth glowing a radioactive red and orange a million times. So far he has passed it three-hundred and forty-three times- not including the first twenty times he walked passed it. 

John can’t help but think about earlier today and how the others are adjusting. Raven’s busy working on the radios to hopefully connect with the ground, trying to hold off on fixing up the rocket until the last two years on the Ark. John can’t help but think that Raven’s just trying to spread out the work as much as possible so she won’t be idle. 

Bellamy has taken up the duty of scavenging for anything that can be used for the next five years and keep the seven of them going. And since scavenging is Emori's specialty, she decided to help him, even going as far as to invite Echo along. Although it didn’t go without some hesitation and a reassuring nudge from Bellamy. 

Monty and Harper are taking care of the algae farm religiously already, trying to get it up and running hopefully faster than predicted. Although John can’t imagine how you can possibly rush the growth of plants, but that’s not his wheelhouse. No, his wheelhouse on the Ark is medbay apparently. 

_ “You’re the only one on here that has any medical background.” _ was Bellamy’s helpful comment after assigning John to Ark doctor. 

 

Which of course caused chaos to commence, because who would want to “ _ entrust their life to Murphy _ ” which in retrospect John can understand- he wouldn’t trust his life in his hand either. But it still managed to sting and with the sting came anger. However it’s hard to lash out then escape when you’re suspended in space on a ship, so instead he chose to run. And kept running well after the lights signalling that it’s daytime went off. 

Eventually though, the burn in his lungs out weighed the need to avoid dreaming, so John started to make his way back towards the room Emori had chosen. It was well away from the old Murphy family room, closer to the window that shows the ground.  

 

_ “The other room didn’t have a view like this one. Plus it was colder.” _

 

Maybe John was wrong to think Emori would be insensitive towards him once she found out about his uncomfort in his childhood home. 

 

John walked into the room, his feet carrying him through the back hall towards the bedroom, once inside John lowered himself into the bed. As he stared at the ceiling above him he felt Emori move closer to him, her arm draping itself over his stomach. 

 

“You were up late?” Emori murmerd, still half asleep. 

John lifted her hand, that curled to lay on his chest, to give it a kiss before turning to pull her closer. 

 

“Went for a run to clear my head.” his voice low so he wouldn’t wake her any more than she was. 

  
She nods a little before letting her eyes slowly close, whispering a soft  _ I love you _ before returning back to sleep. John gazed at Emori’s sleeping form until his eyes were too heavy to stay open- sleep finally taking him under. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feel free to comment some ideas on where you want this story to go. I have a vague idea, so more plot ideas would be great! Also who is ready for a full blown Raven vs Murphy showdown? 
> 
> Comments and kudos feed me^.^


	5. The First Confrontation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Raven tries to throw Murphy under the spotlight, but outed for some poor decisions.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again it's a filler sorry. I'm actually having some horrible writers block so that sucks. I hope you can still enjoy this mini chapter though!

Logically, John knew he would have to face Raven eventually. There are only so many ways to avoid someone in space- and none of them work. Actually that’s not true, avoidance works for approximately seven days. The amount of time it took God to create the world, is the same amount of time it took for the cabin fever to turn to snap-ish anger. 

Really John should’ve saw it coming, the way Raven was a bit more stiff than normal, how the bags under her eyes signaled a lack of sleep. But John had bags of his own from a combination of his and Emori’s nightmares keeping him up. So when he asked Raven at dinner what was taking her so long with fixing the radios- he may have added too much snark. 

“Why do you care Murphy?” Raven’s tone taking an edge of someone who’s holding on to too much stress, “Not like you have any family or friends down their to radio.” 

 

Not like she did either, John can’t help but think, even if the silent  _ she’s right _ trailed right after. 

 

“Hey!” Bellamy speaks up, his voice rough from lack of use. He hasn’t said much these past seven days. But even the major moment of Bellamy speaking for the first time in a week doesn’t stop Raven who has finally found a way to release some of her pent up stress. 

 

“I’m not wrong though. He has successfully killed or betrayed everything he’s touched. All because he was wronged as a child, well boo hoo, everyone here has a sob story Murphy. I’m not done with the radio because I do more than run around in circles and find useless shit! Or well that’s only when you’re not hanging in the medbay, probably taking medicine for yourself, with your history and all.” 

 

John wouldn’t have had anything to say in retaliation if she left out the part about medicine. So instead of staying silent, letting her berading words fill the air and settle in everyone's mind, he instead let’s a smirk take over his features.  

 

“I forgot,” his voice dragged out in a drawl, “You’d rather let children die than give them medicine. Yeah I stole the radiation pills back on the ground- but only cause you’d rather have ten year olds die than see if the medication would help!” 

 

Silence fills the room as everyone looks at Raven and John uncomfortably. John’s eyes hard and his smirk lazy, while Raven’s features take on hits of shame. 

 

“Enough,” Bellamy’s tone final, “What we did on the ground in the hopes of survival is in the past. Let's move-” 

 

“But you haven’t moved on,” Echo’s voice quite but still drawing attention. “You say that you moved on, but none of you have- maybe Monty- but even then very little. You all still give Emori and myself a wide berth.” Echo makes a jester towards John, “You only give John a hard time when he ask questions and point out thinks we all either think of or have said already. And everyday you mourn and hold anger for past events that don’t affect the now.” 

 

“So you’re saying if we want to move on from the past, we have to forget everything?” Monty’s voice accusing as he looks at Echo’s obvious mourning attire. 

 

But Echo just shakes her head, “No, I’m saying you can’t just pretend that forgetting the past is easy. You just need to learn to not let it drag you back. Or you’ll stay there.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next up is a flashback, some Memori scenes, and a very emotional scene!!


	6. Don't Call Me A Victim Because I Have These Scars

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A victimless crime is never victimless. 
> 
> Or
> 
> We dive into some of the trauma a few of the characters have.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> New chapter! So I am so sorry it's taking me forever to update. I'm just really busy with getting ready for college and my laptop is currently two towns over to its a little harder to post haha. I hope you enjoy though!! Also check end notes for warnings!!!

It took years for Bellamy years to realize that all the pressure his mother placed on him at such a young age was wrong. Took him even longer to actually verbalize that into the silent air of the world around him. Because to Bellamy abuse is bruises, broken bones, and hurtful words. It isn’t a mother telling small child that their younger sibling is completely their responsibility. It isn’t a mother leaving at all hours of the night- leaving behind a son to watch a baby that won’t stop crying. It isn’t having your mother pressure you to join the guard so you can help out more with the family.  

 

Abuse isn’t _neglect_.

 

Maybe that’s why Bellamy gravitated towards Murphy when they first touched the ground- or why Murphy gravitated towards him. Because they both went through a type of hell before they even entered the fire. Bellamy who’s hurt transforms to leadership- the desire to help others. Because if people respect you they can’t hurt you.

 

Murphy’s pain however has him lash out like a wounded animal; quick to jump to anger, danger, and cause fear. Because if people fear you then they can’t hurt you.  

 

Bellamy never knew his father; he was a nameless face in a long line of suitors. But he still wonders what his father would think if he met him now. Would he be proud? Would he be judgmental? Would he even care? If he’s even dead that is. Bellamy already knows he could be part of the 1200 in the underground bunker. But he finds that the idea of his father being alive- someone he looked in the face or fought with- nauseating.

 

None of it matters though right now. He’s on the ark and his problems are all back on the ground. The irony in that statement does not escape him but instead makes him want to laugh for the first time in three months.

 

Three months…

* * *

  


Time lapse in space, that's the first thing that Emori noticed about this place. The next thing is that people can go crazy without time. Too much or not enough. So she made it her job to make sure John and her stayed right in the middle. Enough to keep track of the days but not so much he gets that dazed look in his face he had the first few weeks on the Ark. Enough were she can’t miss Earth, but not too much were she forgets what the ocean sounded like.

 

But she does, and so does he.

Abuse isn’t a word that translates to Trigedasleng, it’s something that doesn’t exist in her culture. But the word rape does. Not that it’s ever said directly to her, but she knows- understands. It’s the small things she notices-now that death isn’t two feet away from her- about John. The new things he does that wasn’t there before.

 

How the door to their room has to stay open, even if it’s just a crack, so he can always see some way out. How his neck is completely off limits to touch- whether hand or object. How some words cause him to freeze just a moment before his face hardens, loosens, then goes blank. How he needs a small warning before being touched or he’ll flinch.

 

She notices because it’s the same thing she does. Because abuse doesn’t translate in Trigedasleng, but rape does.

 

* * *

 

Jasper won’t have a burial.

 

That was Monty’s first clear headed thought for the first time in weeks. The first thought not enhanced by some old drugs he found in one of the abandoned rooms. The first thought not pushed aside with the worry of the algae farm not working. The first thought not raked with quilt, anger, or sadness.

 

Jasper won’t have a burial.

 

Monty would like to think that Jasper would’ve wanted a funeral of some sort. But if he was really honest with himself- he doesn’t know what the hell Jasper wanted. Love? Life? Death? He didn’t want to survive that’s for sure. But ultimately who does? No one wants to survive, they want to live. Something not one of The 100 has gotten to do since they were all dropped to the ground to die.

 

Jasper won't have a burial because no one knows _he dead_.

 

Just Monty and Harper. Just two souls who silently swore to never tell a soul about the suicide pact they had to witness- almost experience. Secrets are what caused all the  issues that are happening, and Monty knows that, but some things are best left as a secret. A issue that the future will have to face, just so the present can live another day.

 

A victimless crime is defined where all parties consent and no one is hurt. Then how come Monty still feels pain?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: Light implication of rape and the PTSD that follows. Also reference to suicide and emotional abuse. 
> 
> So guys I hope you liked this enough to make up for me being MIA! And if you happen to be in the Teen Wolf fandom as well, and you read my fics for that as well, then you'll be happy to know I am almost ready to update Sick Boy!


	7. Autophobic

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John organizes now. He finds it’s the best way to keep his sanity and still still be useful. That if he can keep track of the number of fluorescent lights that flicker from low energy or knows the difference between a Diethylenetriamine Pentaacetic Acid and Potassium Iodine and how to apply it his doubts quiet. They become static; a background chant of the words worthless and expendable.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am alive! I actually lost totally inspiration for this fic and then when the new season (that was amazing) came out it got a little more lost. BUT my muse has been found again (Thx all music by James Arthur) and I can pump out a little more I think. So I hope you like this chapter!!

Three months of John running in circles at night until his exhaustion won out. Three months of John collecting darkened bags beneath his eyes and a sharper tongue. Three months of John sleeping in and eating late. But it was also three months of him standing in the medbay reorganizing the medication and recounting the bottles. 

 

_ L...M...N...O _

 

“Potassium Iodine before Prussian Blue…,” John mutters as while alphabetizing the leftover medication sitting on the almost bear shelves. His fingers lightly touching the labels once more before pushing the bottles to their proper places. 

 

John organizes now. He finds it’s the best way to keep his sanity and still still be useful. That if he can keep track of the number of fluorescent lights that flicker from low energy or knows the difference between a Diethylenetriamine Pentaacetic Acid and Potassium Iodine and how to apply it his doubts quiet. They become static; a background chant of the words  _ worthless _ and  _ expendable _ .  

 

“Murphy,” Monty’s calls out as he pokes his head into the medbay, “Have you seen Bell?” 

 

He hasn’t.

 

However the Ark is small, and everyone on it knows that Bellamy has spent the last few months either staying in Clarke’s room or training with Echo. Which is how John knew this was a “check up” for himself, rather than a search mission for the oldest Blake. 

 

“Better not let him hear you call him Bell,” John says over his shoulder dismissively, “He only let Clarke and his sister call him that.” 

 

Monty gave a slight laugh before stepping into the medbay. Meaning John was right in his assumption that this wasn’t about Bellamy at all. 

 

“You’re right,” Monty says quietly as he takes a seat at a nearby table, “So what do you do in here all day? I mean it looks pretty neat already.” 

 

Monty wasn’t wrong; the tables were wiped of dust, the floors scrubbed, all the counters and shelves polished. The only thing left to do- in John’s mind- was alphabetize the medication. Then divide them into groups based off of their purpose, level of needs, and amount that is left. But he already knew that technically that level of organization isn’t viewed as needed by the rest of the space group. 

 

Well, maybe Raven. 

 

But he doesn’t think she would appreciate his understanding or support on the matter. 

 

“I need to make sure the medicine is alphabetized, then grouped by the amounts each bottle contains,” was John’s strained reply. 

 

He hopes Monty won’t point out how that shouldn’t take all day. He hopes Monty will accept his somewhat erratic behavior at face value, and just be happy that he no longer runs all day and into the night. Be grateful that he hasn’t snapped at anyone in a few days.

 

His back remains facing Monty, so he can’t see the wary gaze Monty gives him, but he can _ feel _ it. And he knows that Monty has taken to worry about everyone- almost obsessively- ever sense Jasper. Not that anyone feels comfortable bringing up the fact that they all know. And he knows that Monty isn’t worrying out of pity or obligation. But it still grates against his skin as if it were sandpaper. Because obligation brings about resentment, and resentment means he can be cast aside. 

 

_ Abandoned _ his mind supplies softly from the back of his mind. 

 

John turns around by to talk to Monty in more depth, to comfort his concerns, before they grow to a larger problem. But he only finds a silent closed doorway that looks unbothered and never touched. Letting his eyes look over the room he only finds dust and crumbled labels, all with shadows cast by the buzzing fluorescent light. 

 

He’s alone. 

 

John turns to the nearest trash bin and throws up. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Autophobia, also called monophobia, isolophobia, or eremophobia, is the specific phobia of isolation; a morbid fear of being egotistical, or a dread of being alone or isolated. Sufferers need not be physically alone, but just to believe that they are being ignored or unloved."  
> \- Google

**Author's Note:**

> Tags will be added as the story goes along. Mostly cause I only have a vague idea of what I'll write in here.


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